Ever since I was a little kid, it’s been exciting to think about the future and to look forward to the next step. I’ve never been afraid of what’s ahead because the path has always been certain and clear. I always thought I would graduate from college and move somewhere nice and get a job as a teacher and get married and have a family and that everything would just fall into place. I didn’t plan on feeling uncertain about teaching. I didn’t plan on staying in Michigan. I didn’t plan on staying at camp. I didn’t plan on a lot of things… And not living according to a plan scares me. I like knowing what’s ahead. I like being in control. Really, maybe it’s just that I like for things to be easy.
Now when I think about the future, it makes me uneasy. What if I can’t find a job? What kind of job should I even look for? Where will I go? Where will I live? What if I’ve forgotten everything that I learned? What if I can’t take enough classes soon enough to keep my teaching license? Where do I even begin? What if everyone moves on and grows up except for me? What if life doesn't turn out like I imagined?
I heard this song on the radio on my way home tonight:
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
I know that this should be my attitude. I know that God is in control and that his plan is better than anything I could plan for myself. But it’s not easy to wait and to trust and to be patient. The “what ifs” always come back.
I know there are much worse things that could be happening in my life. I really am thankful for all the blessings that have been showered upon me. I know I have nothing to worry about. I just need to surrender. Let go. And wait.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Passion
For the past several years, I’ve been struggling to find my passion -- that one thing that I can get really excited about, that I can’t stop talking about, that gives me joy, that brings me purpose. This search for a passion was largely inspired by my doubts about teaching. When I realized that I didn’t know if I wanted to be a teacher, I started to wonder what I really did want to do. And thus, I started to wonder what I was really passionate about. I know that I love working with kids and I love traveling and I love camp and I love reading and I love jumping out of airplanes…but I’m realizing that all of that is secondary and really quite meaningless when compared with what really matters.
My passion should be about God—my Father, my Creator, my Savior, my Everything. It’s that simple. Why do I make it so difficult? If I’m not truly passionate about Christ, nothing else is going to matter.
I think about how excited I get to watch my skydiving video or to tell people about the experience or to think about doing it again. If you watch me in the video, you’ll see that I couldn’t take the smile off my face—I was so stinkin’ excited! How much more should I be thrilled to spend time with my God and to tell people about him? If I am willing to risk my life by jumping out of an airplane purely for my own pleasure, how much more should I be willing to risk my life for the sake of Christ?
I can say that I believe, but it isn’t real unless I live it.
What does my life say to the people I know? What does it say to the people I don’t know?
I’ve been thinking about 1 Peter 3:15 – “But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.” Our concern should be not only in being prepared to give an answer, but, primarily, in living in a way that provokes the question. I believe that a life that is truly passionate about Christ would have everyone asking. I want to live that way.
My passion should be about God—my Father, my Creator, my Savior, my Everything. It’s that simple. Why do I make it so difficult? If I’m not truly passionate about Christ, nothing else is going to matter.
I think about how excited I get to watch my skydiving video or to tell people about the experience or to think about doing it again. If you watch me in the video, you’ll see that I couldn’t take the smile off my face—I was so stinkin’ excited! How much more should I be thrilled to spend time with my God and to tell people about him? If I am willing to risk my life by jumping out of an airplane purely for my own pleasure, how much more should I be willing to risk my life for the sake of Christ?
I can say that I believe, but it isn’t real unless I live it.
What does my life say to the people I know? What does it say to the people I don’t know?
I’ve been thinking about 1 Peter 3:15 – “But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.” Our concern should be not only in being prepared to give an answer, but, primarily, in living in a way that provokes the question. I believe that a life that is truly passionate about Christ would have everyone asking. I want to live that way.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Life
I came home a few days ago to find a not-so-pleasant surprise on my doorstep. Right in front of my porch someone had left me a squirrel. A dead squirrel. It was disgusting! (I know you’re all probably super disappointed that I don’t have a picture to share. :P) Fortunately, I know a nice guy who was willing to come dispose of it for me :), but it got me thinking…
Now, I’m not a huge fan of squirrels, but I don’t have any big problems with them. They’re kind of cute sometimes. But there was nothing at all cute about the one on my step. Because it was dead. The life was gone. It made me think of when goldfish die. They’re fun to watch when they’re swimming around the bowl, but when you find them belly up, they’re just gross. And to stretch this thought a bit further…think about going to a funeral…even the most beautiful person (inside or out) is not all that attractive in a casket (not to be insensitive). The only genuinely beautiful things about us are our souls, our spirits, our personalities – our Life. That which is temporary and earthly, our flesh, is disgusting in and of itself. It’s the immortal part of us that makes us beautiful.
It’s a shame that we spend so much time and effort working on the outside and tend to ignore what really counts…
Now, I’m not a huge fan of squirrels, but I don’t have any big problems with them. They’re kind of cute sometimes. But there was nothing at all cute about the one on my step. Because it was dead. The life was gone. It made me think of when goldfish die. They’re fun to watch when they’re swimming around the bowl, but when you find them belly up, they’re just gross. And to stretch this thought a bit further…think about going to a funeral…even the most beautiful person (inside or out) is not all that attractive in a casket (not to be insensitive). The only genuinely beautiful things about us are our souls, our spirits, our personalities – our Life. That which is temporary and earthly, our flesh, is disgusting in and of itself. It’s the immortal part of us that makes us beautiful.
It’s a shame that we spend so much time and effort working on the outside and tend to ignore what really counts…
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Simple Revelation
About a month ago, I had a revelation about my life. Now, it may not seem like a significant revelation or even a revelation at all. Really, it’s quite simple and obvious, but I often don’t live or act or think like it. Well, here it is: “It’s not about me.” That’s my revelation. Not profound, I know. But, have you really thought about this? This life is not about me. At all. Period.
When I think about the way I pray or the things I worry about or the things I think about, I realize that my life is so self-centered. What is my purpose? What am I good at? What do I want my life to look like 5 years from now? Even my seemingly good questions are not focused on God; they’re focused on making me happy or making me feel good about myself.
We weren’t created to be happy and content and self-fulfilled. We weren’t created to be comfortable and successful and to make the most of ourselves. God created us to make much of Him, to glorify Him, to serve Him, to love Him. This world, this life, is not at all about me. So, how can I live otherwise?
Lord, help me to take my focus off of myself and turn it to You. Help me to remember that I am nothing without You. I know that you want the best for your children, and I thank you for your unfathomable love, but help me to remember that I’m not just here to receive from you. Help me to live in response to your love; to live a life of sacrifice and service to you and to others. Turn my questions into ‘How can I bring glory to You?’ ‘How can I live out Your will?’ ‘How can I love You more?’
When I think about the way I pray or the things I worry about or the things I think about, I realize that my life is so self-centered. What is my purpose? What am I good at? What do I want my life to look like 5 years from now? Even my seemingly good questions are not focused on God; they’re focused on making me happy or making me feel good about myself.
We weren’t created to be happy and content and self-fulfilled. We weren’t created to be comfortable and successful and to make the most of ourselves. God created us to make much of Him, to glorify Him, to serve Him, to love Him. This world, this life, is not at all about me. So, how can I live otherwise?
Lord, help me to take my focus off of myself and turn it to You. Help me to remember that I am nothing without You. I know that you want the best for your children, and I thank you for your unfathomable love, but help me to remember that I’m not just here to receive from you. Help me to live in response to your love; to live a life of sacrifice and service to you and to others. Turn my questions into ‘How can I bring glory to You?’ ‘How can I live out Your will?’ ‘How can I love You more?’
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Looking for God
I often have a hard time ‘seeing’ God at work in and around me. Then I’ll hear other people tell stories about ways that God has been working in their lives and realize that the same types of things happen to me, but I don’t always connect them to God. Maybe I’m just not looking for the right things or in the right places.
As I was putting together a jigsaw puzzle the other day, I had this thought – I would choose a part of the picture to work on and then look through the big pile of pieces to find a certain color or pattern for that part. I found that when I was looking for a specific part, my eyes were automatically drawn to those pieces even if I hadn’t noticed them before. The same thing would happen each time I moved on to a different part of the picture. When I knew what I was looking for and focused on it, I had no trouble seeing the pieces I needed.
In the middle of all this, I thought – maybe that’s how it is with God in our lives. Maybe I just need to be more deliberate in looking for and focusing on Him and I’ll find Him right there in front of me amidst the things that have been there all along. I think I just make simple things too hard sometimes.
This seemed to make a lot more sense in my head before I wrote it down, but hopefully you get the point.
I don’t doubt that God is there. I just need to keep looking and start noticing the small things, rather than expecting some big revelation.
As I was putting together a jigsaw puzzle the other day, I had this thought – I would choose a part of the picture to work on and then look through the big pile of pieces to find a certain color or pattern for that part. I found that when I was looking for a specific part, my eyes were automatically drawn to those pieces even if I hadn’t noticed them before. The same thing would happen each time I moved on to a different part of the picture. When I knew what I was looking for and focused on it, I had no trouble seeing the pieces I needed.
In the middle of all this, I thought – maybe that’s how it is with God in our lives. Maybe I just need to be more deliberate in looking for and focusing on Him and I’ll find Him right there in front of me amidst the things that have been there all along. I think I just make simple things too hard sometimes.
This seemed to make a lot more sense in my head before I wrote it down, but hopefully you get the point.
I don’t doubt that God is there. I just need to keep looking and start noticing the small things, rather than expecting some big revelation.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Random Thoughts
It's amazing how a little bit of sunshine & some warmer weather can change your entire perspective. It's almost 50 degrees today & it feels amazing! I feel like it's almost a tease, making me long for spring even more, but I will just try to enjoy it while I can. I sat on the porch & read my Bible this morning, which was so refreshing. I miss the porch sitting days!
Last night one of my roommates & I stayed up til 2:30 just talking about life and faith and memories and the future. It was so good to process things together and to know that someone else feels the same way about things. It's scary sometimes to admit your doubts or fears or questions, but it's such a relief when you do and someone else admits to feeling the same way. Why are we always so afraid of being the only one?
One thing I read recently that has got me thinking is that our lives as Christians shouldn't make sense to non-believers. Is my life different enough from the world? How do I stop just blending in & be a better witness?
Last night one of my roommates & I stayed up til 2:30 just talking about life and faith and memories and the future. It was so good to process things together and to know that someone else feels the same way about things. It's scary sometimes to admit your doubts or fears or questions, but it's such a relief when you do and someone else admits to feeling the same way. Why are we always so afraid of being the only one?
One thing I read recently that has got me thinking is that our lives as Christians shouldn't make sense to non-believers. Is my life different enough from the world? How do I stop just blending in & be a better witness?
Friday, February 6, 2009
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