Waiting

Ever since I was a little kid, it’s been exciting to think about the future and to look forward to the next step. I’ve never been afraid of what’s ahead because the path has always been certain and clear. I always thought I would graduate from college and move somewhere nice and get a job as a teacher and get married and have a family and that everything would just fall into place. I didn’t plan on feeling uncertain about teaching. I didn’t plan on staying in Michigan. I didn’t plan on staying at camp. I didn’t plan on a lot of things… And not living according to a plan scares me. I like knowing what’s ahead. I like being in control. Really, maybe it’s just that I like for things to be easy.

Now when I think about the future, it makes me uneasy. What if I can’t find a job? What kind of job should I even look for? Where will I go? Where will I live? What if I’ve forgotten everything that I learned? What if I can’t take enough classes soon enough to keep my teaching license? Where do I even begin? What if everyone moves on and grows up except for me? What if life doesn't turn out like I imagined?

I heard this song on the radio on my way home tonight:

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I know that this should be my attitude. I know that God is in control and that his plan is better than anything I could plan for myself. But it’s not easy to wait and to trust and to be patient. The “what ifs” always come back.

I know there are much worse things that could be happening in my life. I really am thankful for all the blessings that have been showered upon me. I know I have nothing to worry about. I just need to surrender. Let go. And wait.